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The World Should Revolve Around Me

May 11, 2010

These words make up the title of a song by Little Jackie, an interesting band from Brooklyn, New York. I actually hate the word “interesting” because it’s a placeholder. People say “it’s interesting” either because they don’t want to say what they’re really thinking or because their vocabulary is too small to come up with a more fitting adjective. But I’ve digressed. The point I’m trying to make is that the world really should revolve around me.

I’ve learned that you can’t force people to love you. You can try to be nice to them, support them and you can love them, but you have no control over their love for you, because ultimately, it’s their decision, not yours. You do, however, have control over your love for yourself.

I’ve learned that it’s not my job to hate or to criticize myself. There will be “haters” (that’s another word I loathe – “haters”) and criticizers aplenty throughout life; so why should I be one of them? Again, I have no control over their hatred or their criticisms of me. But, I have total control over my hatred and criticism of myself.

I’ve learned that it’s not anyone else’s job to appreciate or praise me. That’s my job. Nobody is obligated to get down on their knees and proceed to tell me how magnificent I am. Nobody is obligated to make positive comments about anything I do. I have the power to appreciate myself, to love myself, to be proud of myself; and I must admit I’ve been abusing this power.

I’ve put myself down. I’ve believed that I’m not good enough, that I’ll never be good enough. I’ve cut and cried and starved and hurt and confined and punished, constantly squeezing my barely-there love handles. I’ve been disappointed in myself after an amazing performance. I knew it was amazing, but I wouldn’t admit it to myself, instead I beat myself up about not doing better, because I can always do better.

I was reading diary entries from two years ago; I was shocked at some of the things I wrote, but there it was, in my handwriting.

You’re such a failure at everything you do. I don’t even know why you continue to exist; you’re a waste of space and time. Stealing oxygen from real human beings that actually deserve to breathe. You’re a horrible person; you disappoint everyone who is unfortunately forced to come in contact with you.

The rest is a bit more graphic and profane and perhaps too personal to be broadcasting to the world. But it made me stop and think. Why say these things about myself? To what end? Why make myself unhappy? I should at least be able to depend on myself for happiness, since I am the only person who can control my happiness.

I’ve learned that the world should revolve around me.

“She will always be the only thing that comes between me and the awful sting that comes from living in a world that’s so damn mean”

She is me.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. May 11, 2010 6:01 pm

    Nice site. Theres some good information on here. Ill be checking back regularly.

  2. Rachel permalink
    May 11, 2010 7:00 pm

    Wow, this is so inspiring! Why do people continue to put themselves down? It’s a pretty bad habit of mine. After all, isn’t learning to love yourself the greatest gift of all?

  3. May 11, 2010 7:34 pm

    Ok let us first address the your loathe towards the word interesting… Interesting is not a filler(not to me anyways) i use it not because i know not of any better words, but because it encompasses all the feelings a situation brings. So i am guessing that since you have a problem with “interesting” you also have a problem with “Intriguing”…anyways.
    Interesting blog…as it was insightful and edifying…with the whole concept that the world should revolve around you…but to a point…as i totally agree with the second.third and fourth paragraphs…the 5th really made me question why would some 1 do that to them self? Why have a state of mind that was so destructive in the first place…Your not good enough?…how do you measure if you are good enough…why set a standard that is unattainable…its a bit selfish… in that if others genuinely say that it was amazing, why put down your self? Is it that your personal conception was clouded by other factors… Is it that some 1 was feeding those words to you constantly to the point where u believed it?….”Not good enough….You are not good enough….You will never be close to good enough”… I also see it as being selfish in that; the people around you who actually care about you feel insignificant because you don’t take their words…you disregard them… leaving the friends to think they mean nothing to you.
    I like (like is also another filler) the ending as it gives a sense that you realized being selfish in certain aspects of like is a good thing because you are the one that governs your happiness. it is for that reason happiness and love is relative.thats it for now =P

  4. May 12, 2010 8:59 am

    I’m not gonna argue my views on the word “interesting” lol.
    And I’m not saying that everyone should start being self-centered and conceited, I just think it’s very important that people learn to love themselves, because sometimes you’re all you’ve got.
    I completely agree with what you said about paragraph 5, it wasn’t a very happy time in my life. To be honest, I don’t know what was the source of all that self-hatred, I’m just glad I grew out of it. I’ve started (humbly) accepting compliments.
    And yeah, being selfish can be a good thing sometimes, as long as we don’t overdo it.
    Thanks for your comment, I really appreciate it 🙂

  5. June 10, 2010 12:08 am

    Whoa, this is deep.
    It’s good that ur learnin to love urself.
    Too many people in this world dnt appreciate themselves.

  6. SexyChev permalink
    August 10, 2010 11:34 pm

    omfg who knew u were so deep, an erudite student of d world…i absolutely argue wit wat ur sayin in regards 2 d self loathin, i’m always puttin myself down as well i’m my worst enemy,n harshest critic…..

  7. Tiff permalink
    August 12, 2010 10:00 pm

    I’m glad you’ve started to feel this way.
    Kudos to you.

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